What

What do I want

-->I want you.

Why am I here

-->Because I am learning

What am I learning

-->To accept what you are willing to give me

What are you willing to give me

-->That which does not involve Sacrifice

Whose Sacrifice

-->Yours. Mine. Ours.

Who defines the Sacrifice?

-->We do.

Are either of us willing to Sacrifice?

-->No.

Isn't this worth Sacrifice?

-->It is to me.

How much Sacrifice

-->I don't know.



What do I want
--> I want to live in Israel
Why do I want to live in Israel

--> Because you are there

Is that a good enough reason

--> Probably not.


What do I want

--> I want to live in Israel with my kids

Just my kids?

--> That depends on you

Why does it depend on you
--> Because you don't know what you want

Why does it depend on you

--> Because I don't think we want the same thing

Why don't we want the same thing

--> Fear

--> Responsibility

What do you want?

--> You want me, an hour away.

Is that what I would want?

--> No.


Why can't we find a way to make this work?

--> Because it's impossible

So what do we do?

--> We learn to accept

--> We learn to adapt

--> We learn to love a different way

Can I do that? I only know one love. Total. Complete. Crazy love.

--> I don't know.


Why do I keep asking myself these questions? Is it really important?

Thumbing through pictures

I feel like I've lost something that I never had. Missed an opportunity that was never mine. Misplaced a gift that was never given to me. Taken a beating I didn't deserve. Those are the feelings that run through me when I look at the pictures from the party the other night. Other than just plain old green-eyed jealousy when I see pictures of you. and her. Grrrrrr. GOD HOW JUVENILE. that irritates me, too. really thought I was bigger than that. Damnit.

No Words

I've no words tonight
just loneliness.
and distance.
from you.
from him.
from me.

Tonight my heart is stone
cracked in the frigidity
always split in half.
and hungry.
and fragile.
and pale.

Stone for my bedmate
feathers for my feet
blankets of quills.
so quiet.
so open.
so blue.

Aroma three

--------------

Back in the aroma corner

Feeling open

Feeling that maybe I can get this flowing again.

It's been a month since I was here. A month of hard work and stage hours that faded late into the night. And what was left after the bus stopped and the room wrapped me up in the quiet was not enough to light anything more then a quick jerk off and arraignment of pillows into the most comfortable constellation before the quick knee jerk into dream land.

So im here again

Aroma on the outer wall near the door to the train station. And I have the keys in my hand and surprisingly they are stroking off letters.

No

I'm not getting excited

And neither should you. This isn’t the first time it's started to bleed again, only to be quickly covered in a brightly colored band aid.

But maybe I can pick at it enough to keep it flowing for the next week

Wish me luck

---------

Where is my mind today?

Politics

The whole democracy thing hanging over the smoke of the demonstrations and violence that’s flash banging the Middle East.

Emotions

Am I hearting people deeply and much more then intended cause I don’t see anything else but my pain.

Are my words… speaking louder than my actions?

I miss Yarden and wonder what kind of adult he has turned out to be.

Work.

The next group is a major hassle and I need to start getting ready. Will head up to the office on Sunday and start planning. Called David katz who is the operator and we have a date on Sunday. Should get some money from the office too.

Life.

How can I drink tonight and not have to drive home.

Called Armani and maybe he can solve that one.

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Funny

I'm not thinking of you directly

I'm writing to you.

Your question mark is getting smaller.

Fading into the distance behind the moving train like a blinking warning light at the side of the track that has left its message and its ringing sound but has passed and I'm not sure what that particular ringing is supposed to mean anyway.

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Question

How many words in a one page exercise?

A bit of checking… between 250 and 300

Actually a few places say 275

I'm going to hold to 300... That makes the counting easer.

--------

Should I put this on the blog... or should I send this to you directly

I think I'm going to blog this

And see if I can hold on for a while

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You know… you are the only person in the world that can make sense out of this. 
Does that constitute as love.

No

But I know I am starting to love you in a way that is different than all the kinds of love I have known till now.

And I know that I want you

I want this closeness that im feeling right now to have a physical aspect

And I know there wont be any actual touching for awile

But I can dream of being inside you and that’s making me smile and giving me a hard on at the same time

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I've decided that every one of these will have an exercise in them. They are from a book called… the fiction writers hand book and I just finished the chapter on "sources of fiction."

So here are the instructions

One page

Write a scene of a story from a glimpse you had of a group of people – in a café, zoo, train or anywhere. Sketch the characters in their setting and let them interact. Do you find that you know too little? Can you make up enough – or import from other experiences – to fill the empty canvas?

Objective: get the juices flowing (that’s mine)

To find out if you can make much out of little. If you can, great. If you can't now, don’t worry (I'm not) you might later or you might have to get your stories from other materials.

Check: can you visualize these people farther. Can you begin to hear at least one person speak? If not go back and find a way of talking that might fit one of the people in the group, and carry on from there.

-------

It's just another slow morning at the local Aroma.

They finally sat down at the table next to me.

Not before they had walked back and forth three times evaluating each open table and denouncing all the negative attributes that make it unworthy of their patronage and scowling from underneath immaculately painted eyebrows at those mortals that dare to sit at the few eligible tables.

Both in their mid 60s and compatible in look and outward esteem.

Both upper middle class with artistically manicured fingernails and purses that match shoes or boots in this case since winter hasn’t left us yet.

One bleached blond and the other colored brunette both wrinkled with age and experience.

They know each other well and have been friends for many years echoing each other's thoughts and finishing sentences for each other…

Blonda: "I don’t like this table because it's…

Brunette: "…next to the door, I know how about that one…?"

And as they settle into the designated table b-blond turns to her friend, "can you move to the other side of the table? I need to see what's going on otherwise I don’t enjoy my coffee."

"Sure, no problem" answers the brunette and moves to the other side of the table turning the chair so she is facing her friend just as the two girls walk past.

Head high and backs arched to emphasize the full lushness of their teenage breasts.

One blond and one brunette.

The clothes tight and the flip-flops showing off beautifully manicured nails in bright florescent red and blue.

They glide past once, twice, scowl at the two matriarchs sitting next to me and settle into the small booth at the brighter side of the café.

As I watch the blond one settles into the far side seat then gets back up with a humph. They exchange a few words and she moves away as her brunette friend slides into the side she just vacated and pulls the table back to allow her girlfriend to sit where she can see the rest of us in the café.


I smile.

It's just another slow morning at the local aroma.

----------------

Well… that made me smile

I hope you like it.

Read it twice and tell me what you think

Did I fill out the objective?

Did I paint the picture?

Did I make you smile?

Did I tell you today that I love you?

Do you really think I should start writing again?

--------------

Back to the world

Send me a beep when you are available. So I can move my world around to talk to you.

-----------

God I loved being with you this moring