Here I sit

Feeling stupid.
and alone.
So I scream my frustration to the Blog King
while I quietly bleed on your shoes.

But as God is my witness we will either bleed together
or I will not bleed at all.

I will drag from you that which you owe me
measure for measure what you owe this incredible gift we've been given
and let the balances meet for the love and for the loss
anything less and you desecrate what we were
tarnish its memory
and forever color our future
for I cannot trust nor admire a man who cannot stand shoulder to shoulder with me
and accept that blast to the chest for what it is

Do you remember that first night on the beach?
As I walked toward you I knew my life was about to change.
You grabbed me and crushed me to you, lifting me off my feet.
I could feel how happy you were to see me.
Saw it in how your hands shook.
And that first chaste kiss.
"There. That's as far as I'll go."
God how I hoped you weren't serious.
You were beautiful.
and terrible.
and consuming.
and intoxicating.
and my old life was gone. Just like that.

AND YOU WANT TO JUST FORGET IT?!
Let it wash away like it never happened?
Stick your emotional head in the sand and run from the pain.
I won't. I will pick at these open wounds in my soul until
the day you tell me to stop. Because that will be the day
you've given up.

You tell me you're afraid.
OF WHAT?
How the hell can it get any more painful than this, Blue?
Are further meetings going to make it worse?
No.
Hell, if there ARE any further meetings.
I'm not asking you to do anything but feel.
To reconnect with me in that way only you know how.
I can't bear this loneliness.
I can't do this alone.
But self-preservation will eventually win.
If you aren't here to go through this with me.
Then I will do it alone. Completely.
And you will have made the choice.

You avoided me for days.
Yet now you say you don't want time and space
that I'm turning my back on you when you need me.
Well which is it?
I'm confused. And angry. And hurting.
and I'll be damned if I'll go on some list of "needy women in your life" because that's not me.
I'll never be an anchor.
nor a ball and chain.
I have too much pride for that.
Don't ask me to sacrifice my pride on the altar of your indecision.