I tried on another Blue coat this morning at 7am while I was folding clothes. It came out of nowhere, as I was thinking about you. I tried it on though, and it fit pretty well.
I wonder that what you are looking for isn't That Love.
I think it's enough Love Experiences to get you through the rest of your life.
Amazing moments that you can put into a box.
Put the box on the shelf.
And when you need something, pull one out and savor it.
If you gather enough of them,
passionate ones
moments full of unbelievable love
minutes of unending desire
you'll have enough to last you through your life, without jeopardizing what you have at home.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Armor
“Hello?”
No answer but the hollow echo of her words.
She tucked just her head into the large, stone room and, leaving most of her body in the hallway, said again,
“Helllloooo?”
But the cold, moist stones gave back only their dampened repeat, as though she was at the bottom of a wishing well, yelling up at the bright sky above.
She slowly inched into the room, looking around at the walls, ceiling, floor.
Cold, gray rock.
“It’s quite a large room,” she thought. And began to look around a bit more.
“I’ve never been here before. In fact, it never occurred to me that I might be here.”
The figure in the middle of the room caught her eye. In fact, it wasn’t a figure at all, but a wooden armor stand. Roughly 6 feet tall, it stood heavily, solidly, and weightily. She walked slowly up to it, trying to understand why she felt so compelled to touch the iron armor hanging from pegs. Chain mail hood and hauberk hung from the rack, as well as helm, breastplate, greaves, and gauntlets. It all looked so damn heavy. And of course, there was the Sword of Righteousness.
“I’ve never been here before,” she thought again and took the chain hood from the armor stand. Sliding it over her head she felt a disconnection. As if she had lost something…or maybe it was just out of reach? Huh. Next came the hauberk… Now that was heavy. But it slid over her head and settled on her shoulders like it had been made for her. And it covered her heart. Something dulled there. Something maybe didn’t hurt quite as much as it had before. Greaves and breastplate and gauntlets joined the rest, leaving only the helm. The helm wasn’t quite so heavy, but it was… awkward. She wouldn’t be able to see very well. The visor only had a slit for her eyes.
That was the problem with being the Knight In Shining Armor.
Univision.
Blinding, one-directional short-sightedness.
“I’ve never had to be the Knight before,” she said. “But I can do it this time. He’s frightened. And I’m bringing more fear and chaos into his life than he knows how to deal with. I can make it all go away and he can go back to his life.”
But do you know the nice thing about being the Knight? All that armor and that purpose and that sacrifice mentality… makes everything hurt a little bit less. In a way, it’s the coward’s way out. It’s a lot easier to slip that blade between your ribs when you know you’re doing it for someone else. You can even smile while you’re doing it. Because you’re doing it for someone else, someone you love deeply. You can do about anything for someone like that.
I would have stayed with this for years, my Blue.
Seeing you when I could.
Talking to you.
Loving you.
But I’m not what you need.
I’m more and less than what you need. I’m not there.
You need someone there.
But not someone like me.
You need something more superficial, simple, something that won’t put you in this kind of balagan again. Don’t go looking for that Great Love again. This should have taught you something.
But if you do. Find someone. I hope you’ll let me know. I’ll try very hard to be happy for you. I want to know you're happy. I love you, Blue. You made sure of that in Jerusalem. And I let you in. God help me but I did. Those beautiful blue eyes will haunt me for the rest of my days. I’ll always love you.
But I’m letting you go.
You don’t have the strength to do it.
And it’s wrecking your marriage, maybe other parts of your life.
I can’t have that.
But know that you’ve forever changed me.
Opened my eyes and closed my heart to all others.
And I will think of you every day for the rest of my life.
God I don't want to do this.
No answer but the hollow echo of her words.
She tucked just her head into the large, stone room and, leaving most of her body in the hallway, said again,
“Helllloooo?”
But the cold, moist stones gave back only their dampened repeat, as though she was at the bottom of a wishing well, yelling up at the bright sky above.
She slowly inched into the room, looking around at the walls, ceiling, floor.
Cold, gray rock.
“It’s quite a large room,” she thought. And began to look around a bit more.
“I’ve never been here before. In fact, it never occurred to me that I might be here.”
The figure in the middle of the room caught her eye. In fact, it wasn’t a figure at all, but a wooden armor stand. Roughly 6 feet tall, it stood heavily, solidly, and weightily. She walked slowly up to it, trying to understand why she felt so compelled to touch the iron armor hanging from pegs. Chain mail hood and hauberk hung from the rack, as well as helm, breastplate, greaves, and gauntlets. It all looked so damn heavy. And of course, there was the Sword of Righteousness.
“I’ve never been here before,” she thought again and took the chain hood from the armor stand. Sliding it over her head she felt a disconnection. As if she had lost something…or maybe it was just out of reach? Huh. Next came the hauberk… Now that was heavy. But it slid over her head and settled on her shoulders like it had been made for her. And it covered her heart. Something dulled there. Something maybe didn’t hurt quite as much as it had before. Greaves and breastplate and gauntlets joined the rest, leaving only the helm. The helm wasn’t quite so heavy, but it was… awkward. She wouldn’t be able to see very well. The visor only had a slit for her eyes.
That was the problem with being the Knight In Shining Armor.
Univision.
Blinding, one-directional short-sightedness.
“I’ve never had to be the Knight before,” she said. “But I can do it this time. He’s frightened. And I’m bringing more fear and chaos into his life than he knows how to deal with. I can make it all go away and he can go back to his life.”
But do you know the nice thing about being the Knight? All that armor and that purpose and that sacrifice mentality… makes everything hurt a little bit less. In a way, it’s the coward’s way out. It’s a lot easier to slip that blade between your ribs when you know you’re doing it for someone else. You can even smile while you’re doing it. Because you’re doing it for someone else, someone you love deeply. You can do about anything for someone like that.
I would have stayed with this for years, my Blue.
Seeing you when I could.
Talking to you.
Loving you.
But I’m not what you need.
I’m more and less than what you need. I’m not there.
You need someone there.
But not someone like me.
You need something more superficial, simple, something that won’t put you in this kind of balagan again. Don’t go looking for that Great Love again. This should have taught you something.
But if you do. Find someone. I hope you’ll let me know. I’ll try very hard to be happy for you. I want to know you're happy. I love you, Blue. You made sure of that in Jerusalem. And I let you in. God help me but I did. Those beautiful blue eyes will haunt me for the rest of my days. I’ll always love you.
But I’m letting you go.
You don’t have the strength to do it.
And it’s wrecking your marriage, maybe other parts of your life.
I can’t have that.
But know that you’ve forever changed me.
Opened my eyes and closed my heart to all others.
And I will think of you every day for the rest of my life.
God I don't want to do this.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Clock
I hate the clock.
I hate the number 7.
I hate ADDING the number 7 to what I see on the clock.
And knowing that as my 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 tick by
the chances of talking to you diminish.
The chances of seeing you shorten.
God I feel pathetic.
This cannot last.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Here I sit
Feeling stupid.
and alone.
So I scream my frustration to the Blog King
while I quietly bleed on your shoes.
But as God is my witness we will either bleed together
or I will not bleed at all.
I will drag from you that which you owe me
measure for measure what you owe this incredible gift we've been given
and let the balances meet for the love and for the loss
anything less and you desecrate what we were
tarnish its memory
and forever color our future
for I cannot trust nor admire a man who cannot stand shoulder to shoulder with me
and accept that blast to the chest for what it is
Do you remember that first night on the beach?
As I walked toward you I knew my life was about to change.
You grabbed me and crushed me to you, lifting me off my feet.
I could feel how happy you were to see me.
Saw it in how your hands shook.
And that first chaste kiss.
"There. That's as far as I'll go."
God how I hoped you weren't serious.
You were beautiful.
and terrible.
and consuming.
and intoxicating.
and my old life was gone. Just like that.
AND YOU WANT TO JUST FORGET IT?!
Let it wash away like it never happened?
Stick your emotional head in the sand and run from the pain.
I won't. I will pick at these open wounds in my soul until
the day you tell me to stop. Because that will be the day
you've given up.
You tell me you're afraid.
OF WHAT?
How the hell can it get any more painful than this, Blue?
Are further meetings going to make it worse?
No.
Hell, if there ARE any further meetings.
I'm not asking you to do anything but feel.
To reconnect with me in that way only you know how.
I can't bear this loneliness.
I can't do this alone.
But self-preservation will eventually win.
If you aren't here to go through this with me.
Then I will do it alone. Completely.
And you will have made the choice.
You avoided me for days.
Yet now you say you don't want time and space
that I'm turning my back on you when you need me.
Well which is it?
I'm confused. And angry. And hurting.
and I'll be damned if I'll go on some list of "needy women in your life" because that's not me.
I'll never be an anchor.
nor a ball and chain.
I have too much pride for that.
Don't ask me to sacrifice my pride on the altar of your indecision.
and alone.
So I scream my frustration to the Blog King
while I quietly bleed on your shoes.
But as God is my witness we will either bleed together
or I will not bleed at all.
I will drag from you that which you owe me
measure for measure what you owe this incredible gift we've been given
and let the balances meet for the love and for the loss
anything less and you desecrate what we were
tarnish its memory
and forever color our future
for I cannot trust nor admire a man who cannot stand shoulder to shoulder with me
and accept that blast to the chest for what it is
Do you remember that first night on the beach?
As I walked toward you I knew my life was about to change.
You grabbed me and crushed me to you, lifting me off my feet.
I could feel how happy you were to see me.
Saw it in how your hands shook.
And that first chaste kiss.
"There. That's as far as I'll go."
God how I hoped you weren't serious.
You were beautiful.
and terrible.
and consuming.
and intoxicating.
and my old life was gone. Just like that.
AND YOU WANT TO JUST FORGET IT?!
Let it wash away like it never happened?
Stick your emotional head in the sand and run from the pain.
I won't. I will pick at these open wounds in my soul until
the day you tell me to stop. Because that will be the day
you've given up.
You tell me you're afraid.
OF WHAT?
How the hell can it get any more painful than this, Blue?
Are further meetings going to make it worse?
No.
Hell, if there ARE any further meetings.
I'm not asking you to do anything but feel.
To reconnect with me in that way only you know how.
I can't bear this loneliness.
I can't do this alone.
But self-preservation will eventually win.
If you aren't here to go through this with me.
Then I will do it alone. Completely.
And you will have made the choice.
You avoided me for days.
Yet now you say you don't want time and space
that I'm turning my back on you when you need me.
Well which is it?
I'm confused. And angry. And hurting.
and I'll be damned if I'll go on some list of "needy women in your life" because that's not me.
I'll never be an anchor.
nor a ball and chain.
I have too much pride for that.
Don't ask me to sacrifice my pride on the altar of your indecision.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Findings
I'm finding things in my wishing well
that I hadn't really expected.
Who threw dirty laundry down here?
and vacuuming?
and office work?
Dear god. My whole life is down here.
I'm expected to stay in this cold, dark place
yet move through my life as if He hadn't touched me.
Changed me.
Loved me.
Today I will make it through another day
and tomorrow I will do battle again.
Dear God send me to Israel.
that I hadn't really expected.
Who threw dirty laundry down here?
and vacuuming?
and office work?
Dear god. My whole life is down here.
I'm expected to stay in this cold, dark place
yet move through my life as if He hadn't touched me.
Changed me.
Loved me.
Today I will make it through another day
and tomorrow I will do battle again.
Dear God send me to Israel.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Aroma One
-----------------------------------
Finally
Found a moment
Found a corner
Found the part of me that’s connected to you.
Found a piece of "us" to feel.
Found some of my smile.
At least till I finish the double espresso
and head back out into the winter on a hill.
Thank you.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My Gray Wishing Well
So now I watch my life flicker by
from deep within my gray wishing well
Echoes of Haifa rain down tonight
silver pieces that sing of a hotel room and desire
oh god so much desire
coins kissed by moonlight and city lights twinkle down to me
as easily as he kissed my lips
and ran his hands over my body
changing me forever
along with the color of my world
and what do I send back up
from the gray confines of my wishing well?
Is my bucket half empty
or half full?
do I wish for this pain to end?
what would that mean to me?
to him?
or do i wish to
feel him tremble again
to hear him groan and crush me against him
to feel his lips against my ear
to listen again as he tells me what he wants
how can I wish for this pain to end
when it's all I have of him now?
again, is my bucket half empty
or half full?
and what does it contain?
Is it love
pain
desire
passion
Can I live down here with only the gray echoes
of Tel Aviv, Tiberias, Haifa and Jerusalem...
cities that will forever be different for both of us.
Can I exist down here on what flashes from
his fingertips?
Can I live without him... at all?
from deep within my gray wishing well
Echoes of Haifa rain down tonight
silver pieces that sing of a hotel room and desire
oh god so much desire
coins kissed by moonlight and city lights twinkle down to me
as easily as he kissed my lips
and ran his hands over my body
changing me forever
along with the color of my world
and what do I send back up
from the gray confines of my wishing well?
Is my bucket half empty
or half full?
do I wish for this pain to end?
what would that mean to me?
to him?
or do i wish to
feel him tremble again
to hear him groan and crush me against him
to feel his lips against my ear
to listen again as he tells me what he wants
how can I wish for this pain to end
when it's all I have of him now?
again, is my bucket half empty
or half full?
and what does it contain?
Is it love
pain
desire
passion
Can I live down here with only the gray echoes
of Tel Aviv, Tiberias, Haifa and Jerusalem...
cities that will forever be different for both of us.
Can I exist down here on what flashes from
his fingertips?
Can I live without him... at all?
My Blue
My Blue
My Israeli Conflict
My Shattered Romantic
This is where we can swim in the hole
find out how deep it is together
sink to the very bottom of it and look around with our flashlights
and decide what to do about it.
My Israeli Conflict
My Shattered Romantic
This is where we can swim in the hole
find out how deep it is together
sink to the very bottom of it and look around with our flashlights
and decide what to do about it.
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